Anxiety, Guilt, Avoidance

So normally, I am happy posting away at my blog in a sea of pillows and warm blankets.

This is the normal habitat of a blogger.

Lately though, I have been a bit busy, and have not had a chance to post.

I totally did all these things.

In one month.

...

Yes.

Okay, these were lies.

I have fallen into a cycle that I fall into frequently that nearly defeats me every time:

Anxiety, Guilt, Avoidance.

I mentioned this a little with my post about LAUNDRY, but here is a different situation:

I drank tea from a cup right before bedtime, and left it on the night stand while I slept.

The next morning, I have forgotten about the mug, and so it sits untill that night, when I notice it again.

Thus, the cycle begins.

ANXIETY

GUILT

AVOIDANCE

And this is why I have not posted in a month.

On a regular basis this cycle takes hold of me, and I know it's an integral part of my depression, and there is nothing wrong with that. I just need to learn from past events, and try harder next time.

...and take my medicine.

...and not watch horror movies.

...or have caffeine. 

Boy this is hard trying to be emotionally and mentally healthy! 

If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or any mental illness, then just remember:

Trying New Antidepressants: A Beginner's Observations

Having depression and anxiety, I have tried a plethora of different antidepressant medications. Actually, I am still trying to find one that is "just right" for me. I suppose I may be a bit physically sensitive to antidepressants, and thus I have had a hard time finding any I can tolerate for more than a few days.

Sometimes, especially the first few I tried, they make my legs feel really weird, plus other odd, distressing physical sensations. 

They can make me feel "out-of-touch" with myself, which makes me even more distressed, particularly in public.

Other times, they make me nauseous.

I think worst of all, some of them do nothing to help.

So this all comes to me calling my Doctor's office, and politely requesting I have an appointment for a med check up.

My Doctor is super nice, even though I've been a bit grumpy towards her at times. She always works with me, and I always take her advice.

After the med check up, she usually prescribes something new, and I'm off to the pharmacy to try this whole process over again. 

What does depression feel like?

My friends and family ask me how I'm doing, especially when I'm anxious or depressed.

I usually describe depression as a "wet blanket" or a "fog". I can't really focus on anything, moving around is hard, and I don't really want to do anything, particularly things I really like to do normally.

MY CARD WAS DENIED

Artist Boyfriend and I went to a nice Mexican restaurant for dinner recently.

When we were finished, I paid the bill like normal. 

I thought everything would be fine. 

Yes, I had ordered a new debit card due to a hack of a place I had shopped at, yet it had not arrived yet. 

The bank assured me that my old card would work until the new one arrived. 

They were wrong.

The waiter came back with the dreaded words, "I'm so sorry miss, your card has been declined."

My worst fear had just come to light. The reason I hold my breath when I check out anywhere with my card. 

A panic attack was setting in, there was nothing I could do.

Maybe I could try to melt into my chair?

I knew this wouldn't work, as I have tried it before.

I actually drove home, leaving Artist Boyfriend at the restaurant, to scrounge some quarters from our piggy bank.

($13.56, plus a $4 tip, by the way.)

Everything did turn out okay, and the waiter didn't seem to mind. 

Every business needs a crap-ton of change, right? 

... Right?

Crochet Critters

Here are some of the crochet critters I have crocheted and knitted:


On my laptop is (left to right) a bunny, a unicorn, a fat cat, an alligator, and a hamster.

A close up of the alligator:

The unicorn:

My teeny tiny hamster:

And this is the sweety who I based the knitted hamster off of, Om-nom.
She very recently passed away.

"All of these are for me?"

Taking some treats:

The ENEMY

I was out and about today, and stopped at a gas station for some lunch. at this particular gas station, they have a "Made To Order" station, where you can use a touch screen and basically order anything you want, or don't want on your sandwich.

I ordered my usual vegetarian sub sandwich, and ate it in my car, like the socially awkward person I am.

But then, I noticed my sandwich tasted... off. There was something I did not order in there.

Then I knew what it was. The enemy.

AN OLIVE.

I decided today was the day I would overcome this silly feud I had with all olives, and I would DESTROY THAT OLIVE, SO ALL HIS BRETHREN WOULD TREMBLE IN FEAR AT THE WHISPER OF MY NAME.

Needless to say, I still don't like olives, and two bites of my sandwich were a little unpleasant, but I felt proud of myself for trying to do something out of my comfort zone.

Laundry

I tend to get overwhelmed easily.

It can become a bit of a problem at times.

For a small example, here is how I typically do laundry:

Let us start with a clean basket. (A rare occurrence.)

Then, a few clothes will be tossed in.

No biggie, no need to do laundry today.

Then, the laundry basket gets a little fuller, but not so full that it's a problem. I still have clean clothes to wear.

Then, all of a sudden, it becomes A HUGE LAUNDRY MONSTER THAT I HAVE IGNORED FOR A MONTH AND A HALF, AND I'M WEARING THE LAST CLEAN CLOTHES I HAVE.

This is so overwhelming, because it starts a cycle of negative self-talk. I'll say to myself, "You can't even do laundry what's wrong with you? You always put off easy things like this! Looser! Get yourself together! YOU DON'T DESERVE CLEAN CLOTHES. OH, ARE YOU UPSET NOW? GOOD.", which makes me feel bad, and I avoid the situation until I simply can't ignore it anymore.